How to say "No" to another couple
by Anne Curvey
Eventually it's going to happen -- you can't avoid it. You and your partner are in a swing club having a good time, you meet a couple, the conversation is going great, the chemistry is right and you both feel attracted to them and them seem to be attracted to you too. Everything is clicking right? Well, after some flirting, dancing, laughing and having fun -- it suddenly hits one of you -- you really aren't as sexually attracted to the couple as you thought you were.
Things like this happen. For some unknown reason you are just not interested anymore. You don't feel it. Oh my goodness, what happen for you to loose interest just like that? Yeah, just like that! Something in your chemical makeup started out like a fuse on a firecracker and then just fizzled out. It could have been any number of things -- bad breath, the way they smelled, or maybe something they said. Regardless, you've made up your mind -- you do not want to have sex with these people tonight.
Now comes the hard part. You have teased and fondled and played and flirted for quite a while -- so how do you tell your partner that you want to move on -- that you are just no longer interested? The dilemma -- your partner is under the impression that all of you are going to have sex. The couple is under the impression that you are all having sex too. After all, you gave them every indication that you wanted to play. The only person who knows that they are not having sex tonight is you. Now you need to make it known so every one is clear on your intentions. How do you do this without hurting people's feelings and not looking like a total dud?
In the swinging community one word that rings out like thunder is the word, "No!" The one thing that you should know is that no doesn't require any explanation at any time. You say no, it's means no, simple as that.
In an uncomfortable situation like this it may be better to just pull your partner aside and tell him or her that you're just not attracted any more. Depending on your partner's maturity and how well you communicate, it could be easy or it could be a challenge. Communication is the key. You have to know each others signals when you get in a little above your head or when you just want to stop. In this situation although awkward -- it would have been perfectly ok to tell the couple that you really enjoyed their company and had a great time with them, but you're going to mingle a little more. If you and your partner communicate well, he/she will know that this is your way of saying "time to move on" with this particular couple.
Saying no isn't so easy sometimes. Given the situation where you are teasing and fondling and giving every indication that you want to play can also bring a certain amount of guilt if you all of a sudden you decide to shift gears. It's only human. Your decision is not only going to affect your partner's fun, but also the fun of the other couple. In order to get by this, you both must have the understanding that no pressure means, no pressure. Sure, there may be some disappointments, but if the other couple is mature, they will understand that rejection comes along with the territory.
Knowing how to say no is very important and should be discussed with your partner. Discuss how to deliver this word if the need should arise. In all reputable clubs and private parties swingers saying NO means that you are not interested in pursuing whatever you have been asked about at all, end of discussion.
Saying no is sometimes very uncomfortable for newbies -- they make excuses and try to explain their choices. Don't do this -- it only serves to promote hard feelings. Remember to say what you mean. If you are truly disinterested say, "No, thank you." The pursuing individual/s should accept your answer and should honor your feelings. If you mean not now, then say so, but be aware that if you say not now the person will probably be back (but not always) to ask you again. It is perfectly polite to say, "Not now, but maybe when I finish my drink, or when ever your current unavailability is likely to end. If you mean, "I have to check with my partner," then say so and do so -- remembering that your partner also has the opportunity to say no.