Breaking up is hard to do!
by Elizabeth Andrews
Swinging is about the variety of one's sexual experiences - recreational sex with people besides your significant other. Most of the time couples meet other couples or singles for sexual pleasure only. Those rendezvous assume no strings attached to it even if the experience is repeated over and over again with same partners. However, there are some of us that enjoy the companionship of our sex partners outside of the bedroom. And when we find a couple that clicks, it's almost natural to want to hang out with them for non-sexual activities -- seeing them every weekend, meeting at the club, or going on vacations. You establish a friendship, and things seem great! However, most of the swinging relationships enjoyed both in and out of the bedroom come to an end sooner or later. Why is it?
I had one friend who had divided sex into three categories: fucking, having sex, and making love. She told me that making love was something you do with your spouse or primary lover, having sex was something you did with your friends, and fucking is reserved for one-night stands. Granted most of us swingers enjoy all three, but when you add friendship to sex, things can get a little uncomfortable. Breaking up can be especially devastating if you've been friends for a while.
The main reason long term dating doesn't work out for swingers is due to our general nature. We need so much variety. After a while the couple you are dating loses its flavor. Part of the excitement of the lifestyle is trying new people for the first time. It's the excitement of flirting, first touch, first kiss, firstů everything! It is possible to recreate that excitement even during your second and even third encounter, but sooner or later - it goes away.
One couple I know had been dating this couple they really liked. Everyone got along and had much in common. Both couples expressed that they were looking for the same thing - an exclusive couple to be friends with in and out of the bedroom. After their third date, the other couple had gone to a club and picked up a man for the evening. On their next date, the couple told my friends about the rendezvous. My friends were hurt and upset. They had believed they were working toward something else, when in all actuality the other couple was just being swingers.
I've since suggested polyamory to my friends, since they are looking to establish a working relationship with another couple. Swingers aren't really interested in all that. Sure it's great to have friends, but it's not a good idea for the friendship to be a foundation for the sex. It's better to let sex be the foundation of the friendship. When we approach sex and swinging from this aspect, feelings are less likely to get in the way. However, even for myself, it's hard to think this way all the time. And we all know what happens when we meet someone we're deathly attracted to. We become infatuated and start dating.
Breaking up is one of the hardest things to do. Not only because you are worried about hurting the other couple's feelings, but because there is an amount of tension associated with the relationship. It's like regular dating; you can feel it build up, for whatever reason. In my personal experience, the last time we dated a couple; I had a problem with the male half. We just didn't get along after a while. He was sexy and a fantastic sex partner, but his personality just grated on my nerves after a while. My spouse didn't want to break up with them; he liked them both, this created conflict within our own relationship. My spouse and I had to reach an agreement, which is the first step in any decision like this. It's imperative that you and your partner know where each other stand.
Once you've made a decision to break up, contact the couple you're dating and let them know that you would like to talk to them about your relationship. You can do it right away or schedule some time to talk. Once you got their attention, I wouldn't try to beat around the bush too much since the couple, if they have any wits about them at all, will know something's up. Break it to them gently, and try to remain amicable. The swinging community is small, close-knit group. Chances are you will run into them again later on down the road. More than likely, the other couple holds similar feelings and weren't sure themselves how to approach the subject. But then again, these are living people with real feelings, and we all need to keep that in consideration.